Twisted Twilight x
by JZRobsessed
Summary: BELLA VS JESSICA EDWARD VS MIKE bare funny,lmk what you think?


Jessica vs Bella

Jessica: YOU FAT HOAR! HOW DARE YOU GET LEMONADE ON MY NEW BRA! BITCH!

Bella: ME FAT HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THE MIRROR LATELY, BABE?

Jessica: NO BECAUSE YOU BROKE ALL MY MIRRORS SLUT!

Bella: UM, THAT'S FUNNY COZ LAST TIME I CHECKED I COULDN'T SEE MYSELF IN A MIRROR, IM A VAMPIRE DUMBASS!

Jessica: EXACTLY! ATLEAST I HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK AT YOU FLAT CHESTED LITTLE SLAG!

Bella: ME FLAT CHESTED? WELL IT'S BETTER THAN HAVING FAKE TITS SKET!

Jessica: ATLEAST I HAVE A HUMAN BOYFRIEND TO LOOK AT THEM BIATCH!

Bella: AT LEAST MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T HAVE A SMALL WIENER!

Jessica: OH YEAH ITS MUCH BETTER SUCKING ON A DEAD GUYS COCK ISNT IT!?

Bella: YEAH ACTUALLY IT IS SO SUCK ON THIS HOAR ( Bella sticks middle finger up) AND ATLEAST IM NOT A VIRGIN!

Jessica: I AM NOT A VIRGIN! JUST BECAUSE IM NOT A PROSTITUTE AND I DONT SHAG ALL THE FUCKING TIME DOESNT MEAN I HAVENT TRIED IT!

Bella: WHO WOULD WANNA TRY IT WITH YOU APART FROM YOUR NAN!

Jessica: OH HAHA BELLA SWAN THE COMEDIAN! ATLEAST MY MUM AND DAD ARE STILL TOGETHER AND IM NOT A TEENAGE MUM!

Bella: COME ON THEN YOU FUCKING BITCH!

Jessica: OOH BADDA BELLA, WHAT YA GONNA DO BITE ME ?

Bella: EWW, NO THANKS I BET YOUR BLOOD DON'T TASTE TOO RIPE.

Jessica: WELL ATLEAST BLOOD FLOWS ROUND MY BODY AND I DONT EAT HUMAN INTESTINES AND SHIT LIKE THAT...

Bella: ACTUALLY WE ONLY EAT ANIMALS, WELL I GUESS THAT PUTS YOU ON THE MENU THEN DOESNT IT

Jessica: WHATEVER... EATING ANIMALS IS EVEN WORSE, WHATS FOR TEA TONIGHT DARLING... BLOOD FROM A DEARS BACKSIDE... 'YUM'

Bella: WELL WHAT'S CHICKEN, BEEF, HAM ETC ETC?

Jessica: MEAT? BUT ATLEAST WHEN I EAT IT IM NOT THE ONE KILLING IT AND SUCKING BLOOD OUT OF ITS FUCKING ARSE CRACK

Bella: OH GO FUCK YOUR DAD YOU SLUT

Jessica: WHAT DEAD GUY YOU GONNA SHAG TONIGHT BELLS? YOU GONNA REINCARNATE ALBERT FUCKING EINSTEIN?

Bella: EWW NO, WHY WOULD I WANNA FUCK YOUR DAD?

Jessica: BRAVO, BELLA MADE A JOKE... WHAT D'YA WANT A FUCKING MEDAL?

Bella: HA, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED A MEDAL FOR...BEING THE MOST STUCK UP PROSTITUTED SLAG FULL OF FUCKING CRAP IN THE WHOLE OF FORKS WASHINGTON.

Jessica: NO WONDER YOU AINT GOING TO COLLEGE AND YOUR A TEENAGE MUM...PROSTITUTED AINT EVEN A WORD?

Bella: SLAG WASN'T A WORD UNTIL YOU WERE BORN. THEY MADE IT UP JUST FOR YOU.

Jessica: OOH BADDA BELLA STRIKES AGAIN!

Bella: IT'S FUNNY HOW I KEEP STRIKING AND YOU DON'T SEEM TO STRIKE BACK

Jessica: BRING IT YOU BLOODSUCKING HOAR!

Bella: OH PLEASE I WOULDN'T WASTE MY TIME EVEN MY BABY COULD KICK YOUR ARSE

Jessica: SORRY, I CANT UNDERSTAND YOU... I DONT SPEAK RETARD?

Bella: THAT'S FUNNY ALL I CAN HEAR WHEN YOU TRY TO SPEAK IS BLAH BLAH BLAH, ME RETARDED BLAH BLAH BLAH

Jessica: BITE ME BITCH! BITE ME !

Bella: BLAHBLAHBLAH, NEVER YOU SKANKY LITTLE BLOODED RETARD

(Angela walks in )

Angela: WILL YOU TWO GIVE IT A FUCKING REST... YOUR GIVING ME A MIGRAINE BOTH OF YOU... LOOK BELLA YOUR A BLOODSUCKING LITTLE HOAR OK!

Jessica: HA!

Angela: BUT JESSICA YOUR A PROSTITUTED SLAG SO YOUR BOTH AS BAD AS EACH OTHER SO SHUT THE FUCK UP THE BOTH OF YOU!

Jessica & Bella: OH NO SHE DIDNT !

Edward Vs Mike

Mike: DID YOU KNOW OUR GIRLFRIENDS WERE HAVING AN ARGUEMENT EARLIER

Edward: AHA! I BET BELLA WHIPPED JESSICA'S ARSE MATE! NO OFFENCE ...

Mike: WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

Edward: BECAUSE I KNOW MY BELLA AND SHE CAN BE A FIESTY LITTLE GIRL WHEN SHE WANTS TO BE

Mike: YH I KNOW BELLA TO AND SHES A BLOOD SUCKING HOAR

Edward: DONT TALK ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT... ATLEAST MY GIRLFRIENDS TITS ARE REAL!

Mike: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

Edward: YOU TELL ME ARSEHOLE

Mike: OH WHY DONT YOU JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OK!

Edward: AWW IS LITTLE NEWTON BOY GETTING ALL WORKED UP BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT HIS GIRLFRIENDS TITS ARE COMPLETELY FAKE AND THAT THE BLOODSUCKERS HE HATES SO MUCH ACTUALLY HAS PRETTY GOOD COMEBACKS. JUST BECAUSE I WAS BORN WAY BEFORE THE 1800'S DOESNT MEAN I'M STUPID.

Mike: ATLEAST IM NOT A CRAZY PHYSCHOPATH THAT SUCKS BLOOD OUT OF MY GIRLFRIENDS TITS.

Edward: VERY FUNNY... ATLEAST MY GIRLFRIEND HAS A DECENT BOYFRIEND WITH A DECENT WIENER TO SUCK ON, NOT ONE OF THOSE TINY LITTLE COCKTAIL SAUSAGES THAT ARE USED FOR APPETIZERS UNTIL THE REAL MEAT IS READY. DON'T LOOK SO SURPRISED I KNOW YOUR SECRET DUDE. I'M NOT BLIND, I HAVE SEEN YOU GETTING CHANGED AFTER GYM.

Mike: OH SO I HAVE A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE DO I NOW?

Edward: UM YEAH, WERE YOU NOT LISTENING TO A WORD I JUST SAID?

Mike; I BET MY COCK IS BIGGER THAN YOUR DEAD THING!

Edward: HEY, DONT DISS BEING DEAD OK. I MEAN THE DEAD GIRLS REALLY GET YOU GOING IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN :D YOU SHOULD TRY IT ONE TIME... OH WAIT I FORGOT... YOUR A VIRGIN!

Mike: I'D RATHER DIE! AND I AM NOT A VIRGIN. AND IF YOU THINK YOUR COCK IS BIGGER THAN MINE I WILL SHOW YOU THAT IT'S THE OTHER WAY ROUND TINY TIM.

Edward: SO IF YOU'D RATHER DIE THEN YOUR ADMITTING BEING DEAD ISNT THAT BAD? AND UM NO THANKS I DON'T LIKE COCKTAIL SAUSAGES VERY MUCH. I DUNNO THERES JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THEM, THEY'RE SO WRINKLY AND FLAVOURLESS. NAH I'M MORE OF A SAUSAGE KIND OF DUDE AND IM SURE IF JESS EVER SAW YOUR COCK... SHE'D SAY THE SAME ...

Mike: THEY ARE NOT FLAVOURLESS. ATLEAST MINE HAS FLAVOUR I MEAN BEING DEAD CAN BE ALL THAT TASTEY CAN IT? I BET YOU WON'T SHOW ME COZ YOU KNOW THAT YOUR THE ONE WITH THE COCKTAIL SAUSAGE NOT ME, SO HAHA!

Edward: DUDE? HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF YOUR COCK HAD FLAVOUR... OH GOD... OKAY UM DUDE TASTING YOUR OWN COCK IS CREEPY MAN.. SERIOUSLY! AND ACTUALLY I WONT SHOW YOU MY COCK BECAUSE UM I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL AND I DONT LIKE SHOWING OFF TO THE LITTLE PEOPLE. NO ONE LIKES A BULLY AY MIKE!

Mike: LITTLE PEOPLE. OH EXCUSE ME, YOUR STARTING TO TURN AGAINST YOURSELF ALL OF A SUDDEN.

Edward: HOW CAN I BE THE LITTLE ONE WHEN I AM OVER 300 YEARS OLD AND YOUR WHAT? IN YOUR TEENS? AND CMON, EVEN YOU HAVE TO ADMIT I AM A LOT TALLER THAN YOU...

Mike: WELL IF YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE SHOW ME WHAT YOUR MADE OF AND GET IT OUT - LIKE THAT THING WERE IT GOES - YOU SHOW ME YOURS AND I'LL SHOW YOU MINE. AND IF YOU WANT I WILL SHOW FIRST JUST SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR UP AGAINST, I MEAN WELL YOU KNOW I DON'T WANT TO EMBARASS YOU AND YOUR LITTLE WORM. DON'T WORRY I WON'T TELL ANYONE, ESPECIALLY NOT BELLA.

Edward: UM BELLA'S SEEN MY COCK LIKE A ZILLION TIMES... WE DO HAVE A BABY YOU KNOW AND WHY ARE YOU SO DESPERATE TO SEE MY COCK... I DONT LIKE PAEDOFILES AND YOUR SORT OF CREEPING ME OUT DUDE!

Mike: I KNOW YOUR JUST JEALOUS, COME ON ADMIT IT - YOU HAVE A WORM AND I HAVE A SAUSAGE. IF YOU WANT WE COULD GET BELLA AND JESS OVER HERE.

Edward: ALRIGHTY THEN, BRING EM OVER!

(Jessica & Bella come in)

Jessica: WHAT'S ALL THE SHOUTING ABOUT?

Edward: NEWTON RECKONS HE HAS A LARGER WEINER THAN ME BUT WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT I HAVE THE SAVELOY AND HE HAS THE COCKTAIL SAUSAGE BUT HE JUST WONT ADMIT IT!

Jessica: WELL THEN, COME ON LADS GET YOUR KECKS OFF, ME AND BELLA WILL JUDGE ;)

Bella: I BEG YOUR PARDON THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND YOUR TALKING TO. AND ANYWAY THAT'S MY JOB TELLING HIM TO GET HIS KIT OFF.

Jessica: WHATEVER JUST PULL DOWN YOUR TROUSERS THE TWO OF YOU AND WE WILL JUDGE... OH COME ON MIKE, I HAVENT SEEN YOUR WEINER YET IN PERSON!

Edward: WELL YOUR NOT GONNA WANT TO SEE IT EVER AGAIN AFTER YOU SEE HIS LITTLE COCKTAIL SAUSAGE

Jessica: TROUSERS! DOWN! NOW!

Bella; DESPERATE FOR MY BOYFRIEND TO WHIP OFF HIS TROUSERS ARE YOU JESS? YOU JUST WANNA SEE WHAT A REAL COCK LOOKS LIKE I SUPPOSE

Edward: COME ON THEN MIKEY, TROUSERS DOWN, CMON YOU FIRST, YOU WERE PRACTICALLY BEGGING TO SHOW ME YOUR DING DONG A FEW MINUTES AGO... OR ARE YOU TRYING NOT TO SHOW YOUR HOMO SIDE AROUND YOUR BITCH?

Jessica: DON'T CALL ME HIS BITCH THANK YOU VERY MUCH, WE ARE SOULMATES.

Bella: OH PLEASE, MAKE ME LAUGH. ANYWAY YOU TOLD ME EARLIER ON THAT YOU HAVE SEEN LITTLE MIKE'S COCK AND THAT IT WAS A WOPPER AND THAT YOU HAVE SHAGGED. SO COME ON WHAT WAS IT LIKE? WAS IT FAST OR SLOW? LOUD OR QUIET? IN THE BED - ON THE SOFA - ON THE FLOOR - ON THE DINNER TABLE? COME ON SPILL THE BEANS.

Jessica: UM... WELL UM IT WAS... WAS UM... AFTER PROM UM... AT MIKES HOUSE AND IT WAS VERY FAST AND VERY LOUD UMM... RIGHT MIKEE?

Mike: WAIT, WE NEVER... (Jessica punches him) UM YEAH, WE HAD NEIGHBOURS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NOISE, I HAD HER SCREAMING LIKE A LITTLE BABY WANTING MORE.... MORE... CANDY!

Jessica: (mumbles under her breath) OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY GONNA KNOW WE'VE NEVER SHAGGED BEFORE NOW AINT THEY.

Edward: HAHA! I GET IT NOW... YOU'VE NEVER SHAGGED HAVE YOU?

Mike: YEAH COURSE WE HAVE (Mike said in the most casual voice possible) DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME I SAID SHE WAS SCREAMING FOR MORE..MORE...MORE...YOU KNOW IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SEX AIN'T IT, YOU GET WHAT IM SAYING.

Edward: YEAH I GET WHAT YOUR SAYING. YOUR SAYING YOU'VE NEVER HAD SEX BEFORE...WELL...WELL...WELL

Mike: WELL WHAT? WHAT'S WITH ALL THE WELLS?

Edward: WELL WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT NOW WE'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE IN PEACE AND YOU CAN GET ON WITH IT. OH WAIT YOU CAN'T COZ YOU HAVN'T GOT A BIG ENOUGH WIENER HAHA!

Mike: YES I HAVE, AND IM GONNA PROVE IT ( Pulls down trousers)

Bella: (Turning Away) EWW! NOT THE IMAGE I WANTED IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW...

Jessica: OH MY GOD EDWARDS RIGHT, WHAT IS THAT A FUCKING WORM? EUGH THATS DISGUSTING...

Mike: MY WEINER IS HUGEE!! LOOK READY ( Mike starts to walk forwards then trips on a chair and falls backwards smashing into the table)

Edward: MIKEY, YOU OK?

Mike: ( just laying on the floor crying) NOT REALLY, CAN SOMEONE HELP ME UP?

Jessica: UM, YEAH I HAVE TO GO....

(Emmett walks in)

Emmett: HEY GUYS WHATS U.... WOAH WHY IS MIKE LAYING ON THE FLOOR WITH A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE STUCK TO WHERE HIS COCK SHOULD BE?

Jessica: ITS NOT A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE, ITS MY BOYFRIENDS WIENER, MY BOYFRIENDS WIENER IS SMALLER THAN A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE, A FLIPPIN COCKTAIL SAUSAGE!

Bella: UH JESS ARE YOU OK? YOU DONT LOOK TOO GOOD...

Jessica: OH YES WHAT COULD BE WRONG, I'M A VIRGIN AND YOU ALL KNOW, MY BOYFRIEND IS AN EMBARASSING PRAT AND HIS WIENER IS SMALLER THAN MY DOGS! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG WITH ME?

Emmett: AWW, DOES SOMEONE NEED A HUG?

Jessica: NO, I JUST WANT SEX! ALL I ASK FOR IS SEX, WITH A DECENT GUY WHO HAS A DECENT COCK AND LOOK WHAT I GET (pointing to mike who's still laying on the floor) A STUPID GUY WITH A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE SIZE WIENER (Jessica starts crying).

Emmett: (Hugging Jessica) DON'T WORRY LITTLE WIENERS AREN'T ALL THAT BAD I GUESS. I'M SURE IT'S NOT THAT SMALL, I.....

(Rosalie walks in)

Rosaie: I WHAT?

Emmett: I WAS JUST GIVING HER A HUG TO CHEER HER UP.

Rosalie: WHY IS SHE CRYING ANYWAY? OH NO SHE HASN'T RUN OUT OF MAKE-UP HAS SHE?

Jessica: NO I HAVE ENOUGH MAKE-UP TO LAST ME FOREVER. NO IT'S...IT'S...IT'S

Edward: (Laughing) IT'S HER BOYFRIENDS, HIS WIENER IS THE SIZE OF A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE HAHAHA!

Bella: YEAH EMMETT THOUGHT IT WAS A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE.

Rosalie: YOU LOOKED AT HIS DICKY BIRD

Edward: (Still laughing) HIS LITTLE DICKY BIRD TO BE EXACT.

Jessica: SHUT UP... JUST SHUT UP ALL OF YOU, YOU KNOW ALL YOU CULLENS ARE FREAKS! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE

Mike: YOU GONNA GIVE ME A LIFT HOME BABE?

Jessica: UM, WELL I MIGHT ASWELL, ITS NOT LIKE YOUR NOT GONNA FIT IN MY CAR... YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE WIENER

Emmett: ATLEAST YOU KNOW THAT HES NOT GONNA WEE ALL OVER THE SEAT IF YOU GET MARRIED... NOT MUCH CAN GET OUT AT A TIME FROM THAT THING SO THERES GONNA BE NO MAJOR SPILLAGE

Jessica: VERY FUNNY,LETS JUST GO HOME...

Rosalie: HAVE FUN PLAYING WITH YOUR BOYFRIENDS WORMY FRIEND

Jessica: GET SCREWED ROSALIE

Rosalie: MY PLEASURE HONEY

(Jessica leaves and slams the door shut behind her)

Mike: HEY WAIT FOR ME BABE! YOU SAID YOU WAS GONNA GIVE ME A RIDE BACK TO MY PLACE!

Rosalie; SOUNDS LIKE FUN ALTHOUGH YOUR ROLLACOASTER ISN'T VERY BIG IS IT LITTLE MIKEY.

Bella: YOU KNOW I WHAT I WOULDN'T EVEN CALL THAT A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE, IT'S TO SMALL TO EVEN BE A COCKTAIL SAUSAGE HAHAHA!

Mike; THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING A SLIGHTLY SMALLER COCK THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

Rosalie: WHAT IS IT WITH BOYS? I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE ALWAYS COMPARING DICKS AND SEEING WHO'S HAD SEX THE MOST TIMES AND HOW LONG DID IT LAST. WELL IT'S OBVIOUS EDWARD AND BELLA HAVE HAD SEX THE MOST TIMES OTHERWISE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE A BABY, PLUS ALL I CAN HEAR AT NIGHT WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP COMING FROM THE OTHER ROOM IS OOH, ARR, MORE...MORE...MORE,OHH YEAH - SO THAT PROVES IT THEN.

Bella: WELL THANK YOU ROSALIE FOR SHARING THAT PIECE OF UNRELEVANT PRIVATE INFORMATION NOW MIKE I THINK IT WOULD PROBABLY BE BEST IF YOU LEFT BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE ANOTHER WORD ABOUT YOUR TINY TIM SO GO MAKE UP WITH JESSICA OK?

Mike: IM OUTTA HERE

Rosalie: (under her breath) THANK GOD.

(Mike pokes his head round the door)

Mike: GUYS CAN YOU KINDA NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT... ABOUT WELL YOU KNOW MY DING DONG... PLEASE?

Bella: DONT WORRY, YOUR SECRETS SAFE WITH US MIKE

Mike: THATS WHAT IM WORRIED ABOUT

Bella: JUST GO !

Mike: SEE YA

Rosalie: YES YOUR SECRET IS VERY WELL SAFE WITH US... AND THE REST OF THE SCHOOL OF COURSE

Emmett: DID YOU GET THE PICTURE ROSE?

Rosalie: YEP, NOW IM GONNA GO AND START MAKING POSTERS TO PUT UP... BYE :D


End file.
